“I’m not skinny!”

It’s 7:30am and I just crawled out of bed – an endeavor that took four times longer than usual due to the burning in my quads and calves, the tightness in my shoulder blades and arms, and the dull ache that spanned the rest of my body. Once I strategically pulled myself off the mattress and onto my feet, I hobbled into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.

“I’m not skinny!”

I said the words out loud, allowing a frown to plant itself firmly on my face.

“How can I not be skinny yet?”

I mean honestly, I had an incredible session with my personal trainer yesterday, the success obvious in my inability to walk normally or lift my arms above my head.

I spend at least an hour every day at the gym. I’m doing strength training, cardio workouts, spin classes, and splurging on personal training sessions. I even take the stairs at work!

I’ve been eating well for two whole weeks, too! I have a new strict diet of fresh fruits and veggies, lean proteins, good carbs, and lots of water. I eat smaller meals more regularly throughout the day. I don’t eat after six o’ clock in the evening. I’m taking supplements to give me the vitamins and minerals I’m lacking. I pay attention to every morsel that enters my body.

Shouldn’t I be skinny by now?

I can’t tell you the number of times this same scenario has played out in my life … how many times I have stood in front of the mirror – irritated and upset – wondering why I wasn’t skinnier, healthier, or more physically fit.

Over the years, I have become an expert at trying to lose weight. The majority of my adult life has been spent on some sort of diet – some attempt to lose weight or be healthier or look prettier. I’ve tried every fad diet you can think of, every healthy eating and workout technique on the planet. I’ve lost weight and gained it back more times than I can count. And I’m only 28 years old.

Every time I attempt a new diet, I do find some success. I lose a few pounds, gain some endurance at the gym, buy a few new outfits in smaller sizes. I get compliments from people on the progress that I have made and on how great I look.

After a few weeks or months though, I’m always right back where I started … and looking for a new way to lose the weight.

I’ve wondered for years why I can never seem to lose the weight and keep it off. Some people say it’ll happen when I’m really ready for it to happen. They say that when my motivation is in the right place, and I want it for the right reasons, I’ll have the willpower to make it happen and to keep the results.

I say to heck with them.

I have spent so many years of my life insecure and uncomfortable about my weight and the way I look. I have worried and stressed and pained over being the bigger girl in my family and amongst my friends. I want more than anything to be healthier … more physically fit … more confident in myself. The ability to wear a pair of skinny jeans wouldn’t be so bad either.

I have the motivation. I have always had the motivation. And yet, no matter how hard I try to lose the weight, I always end up back where I started.

After so many years of the ups and downs of this process, I’ve finally figured it out.

After looking in the mirror and questioning why I am not skinny yet even with my awesome personal training session the day before, I finally figured out what the problem is.

I’m in too much of a hurry.

I could go on and on about how our society has become one of speed and convenience. We rely on our fast food restaurants to eat on the run. We get irritated when we call or text people on our cell phones and don’t hear back immediately. We invent gadget after gadget to improve our way of life by speeding this up or making that more efficient. Fad diets are geared toward this mentality, and it’s a mentality that I fell victim to for years.

I always wanted to lose the weight, but I never wanted to put in the work. Or rather, I was willing to put in the work, but only for the short amount of time the diet required. I always worked hard, put in the time and energy and effort, and got the results … but then I stopped, and the results disappeared, often followed by another few pounds just for good measure.

Currently, I’ve been eating well and workout out for two weeks. I’ve been doing everything the right way through nutrition and exercise. I’m feeling great, but I have yet to see much in the way of results. It’s irritating … but it’s only irritating because I’m looking at it from the quick fix mentality.

I’m trying to change that mindset. The truth is, this has to be a full lifestyle change. This isn’t something I can just do for a few weeks, lose a few pounds, and then go back to my old ways. This has to be a forever sort of thing … and if I’m in it for the long haul, why do the results need to happen today? Or tomorrow? Or even next week? If I keep this up, the results will come. They will happen. I will get there.

So today, I’m going to eat my healthy food. I’m going to drink my water. I’m going to take the stairs at work and I’m going to have a great session at the gym tonight. Tomorrow, I’m going to start the whole process over again. And someday, sometime in the future, I’ll be able to look in the mirror and say, “Hey look, I’m skinny!” And this time, it’s going to stick.


One response

  1. You are AMAZING. Honestly, I have never been more proud of you. Of all the things in life to accomplish, conquering THIS mentality change has got to be the hardest. Finding confidence is SO hard when you have been at war with your body/mind your whole life. You are beautiful inside AND out, and your writing… Well, it’s exceptional. Love you sister. Can’t wait to read what’s next! Xxoo


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